Chasing Pavements

Insomnia #1

alejandro — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:58:15 +0000

I can’t believe i’m still up at this hour. I’m usually one that goes to bed early but for the past week i have been going to bed later. Obviously i’m hating waking up early for work.

Anyway, things are kind of getting back to normalish. With mum off to work, things are a bit different but easily adjustable. Although I do am seeing the sis a bit off. Maybe it’s nothing, but better keep an eye out for her. And I have been smoking again. And drinking. Saturday was kind of heavy, especially with the fact that i went out clubbing with the client – he’s a guy i work with which i kind of have a crush on. The kind of crush that makes you want to sleep with him not be his boyfriend. But it’s not going to happen. Ever. He’s too much into the hunkish kid of guys, while i’m well…meh!

About Saturday; we went out clubbing and stuff – ended up drinking a lot, haven’t drink that much since last August. To tell the truth i haven’t drank this much since dad died. Well except for my birthday; this time i got tipsy and it did cross my mind a couple of times to well practically rape the guy. I did keep my distance though and behaved.

To tell the truth i do not know what i want. For the first time in my life i’m not felling that lonely, but still it seems like something is missing in my life. With work going on quite well and slowly building a steady social life I do not know what my next step should be. I am being tormented with the idea of moving out and get my own place. But it does not feel right to leave mum and sis behind right now. It’s too early; and i definitely don’t have the money for it yet. I have been aching for my liberty for ages though, I can’t seem to ever achieve it.

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Now playing: Lady Gaga – Teeth

And the epicness of Windows 7

alejandro — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 22:04:10 +0000

Things to do today

alejandro — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 06:03:06 +0000

get up
survive
go back to bed

Obsessions

alejandro — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 05:59:11 +0000

My mother left for work 15 minutes ago. And oppose to her thoughts I did wake up alone for work, though still not ready. But anyway, the point is she’s off to work and obsess about it. After days of her obsessing of not find a job and thinking that getting a job “will result in many changes in our family!” – which both me and my sister shrug off since a. we’re both old enough to take care of ourselfs and b. we’ve had enough of her obession.

Anyway, better get ready for work myself. Now here is a bit of my obession:

A mess?

alejandro — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 10:51:25 +0000

Can you make thyself sick? Yes
Will you know that it’s your own fault? Yes, but you’ll hide it.

I have been feeling ill for the past 3 (i think!) days; stomach pains, endless headache and aching eyes. It’s probably the usual/yearly flu. But looking at the mirror this morning i realised i’m kidding myself; I am making myself sick. With what you might ask; well first of all i am working a 60+ hour week and my father died more than a month ago. I thought i was fine; apparently i am not. Since day 1 I stood strong by my mother hoping to make her strong enough so she can take back over her usual duties. But a month has passed and we’re still at the same place. She’s been talking about getting a job and she has been going to interviews, but her constain worry is taking its toll not only on her. Waking up at 5:30am she starts her day waking me and my sister up; throwing immediately her load off problems on us before going to work and school respectively.

I know i shouldn’t be saying this but this is starting to bug me. Last week i decided to spend the whole of Sunday out; this week i spend the whole weekend in (not by choice, more because of the massive headache!). Last week she complained that i was loud and spending all my time out; this week she complained that i’m too quiet! I know i shouldn’t be hard on her but this is getting ridicilious. And i’m noticing that my sister is feeling the same way even though she isn’t talking at all. But she does look angry all the time.

Ugh! How am i gonna fix this?!!

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Now playing: Lady GaGa – Dance In The Dark

Tainted Love

alejandro — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 08:32:41 +0000

I said never again, but here i am.

Why? God knows.

I’ve been having bad dreams the past two days. Graphic, end of the world dreams. I’m blaming it on the flu (not the swine kind!) but they are getting kind of repatitive and not really letting me sleep. Saturday morning, already up at 07:00am. Which kind of sucks. Especially since one works over 50 hours a week – I do need my rest.

But alas here I am; coffee #2 with more stuff to do. Who knows about this? Nobody i know; i am not posting this as my blog under my real name, hence Alejandro; the man i want to be but will probably never be at this rate.

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Now playing: Róisín Murphy – Orally Fixated